The third issue of "to ask"
recently received a letter from the reader Bai Yun, who said that he had always had a headache: he would not comfort people.
Last week he went out for a drink with a good friend, who said that he had recently graduated and started a business. He had encountered a lot of problems and was in a bad mood.
after listening to this, Bai Yun said a lot of reasons, analyzed a lot of the current situation, and told him what to do might be better.
just as his speech was on the rise, his friend interrupted him, saying that he understood all this, so stop talking. Baik Woo-Hwa and his friends were embarrassed that night, and when they left, they complained that he couldn't comfort people.
Bai Yun is very confused. He doesn't know what to say if he is unreasonable when comforting.
"you say, how to comfort a person?"
I posted a screenshot of this sentence to the disorganized editorial group.
"I don't comfort people either, but I know how to be comforted to be happy."
I want to tell you a story in which I was comforted by others.
some time ago, I was so sad that I couldn't sleep for several days because I was killed by the draft.
A lasting dignity and a lovely tailoring elucidate our long sleeve wedding dresses. Do it now and enjoy the incredible shopping experience.
I knew I was in such a bad state, so I complained in the group and wanted to vent my emotions. At that time, Xi Xi and Zero jumped out and said, let's go out for dinner tonight.
the three of us were in a dessert shop that night. I told them that I had problems with my writing recently, and I showed them my manuscript. They both threw some opinions and questions to me, but I denied them.
so at ten o'clock in the evening, I suddenly realized that I had turned tonight's party into my own complaint meeting, and I apologized sheepishly.
they disagree: "in fact, we don't know much about writing. We only care about it because of you. We know there's nothing else we can do. The only thing we can do is complain with you."
I was stupefied, and there was a warmth at the bottom of my heart. Although my problem was not solved, this sentence made me feel much better. It made me feel like I was with someone, and that was enough.
it is always difficult for us to understand the pain of others, because we are not the characters of the story, we are just watchers.
it's like I told you I was lovelorn, and all your memories of my ex-girlfriend came from feeling sorry for myself. I told you when I was sad, so you don't think she's good, so you don't have to feel sorry for her.
I said I was sad that I couldn't write. You didn't write that you could only feel "this is sad" from my performance.
when I tell you I'm sad, I don't really want to solve the problem through you.
because everyone knows the truth, I also know how to write a good article, and I know where she and I are not suitable. I tell you this, not that I need reason, but that I need your company.
when I feel sad and need comfort, just stay with me, chat with me, stay with me all night, cry with me, but don't be reasonable.
be reasonable again, I'll beat you to death with slippers.
@ Wang Zepeng.
comfort is an art that takes skill
A long time ago, when I had a girlfriend, my girlfriend always felt that there was no sense of security.
because we are in a long-distance relationship and seldom see each other, she often asks me sadly if one day we will go our separate ways.
at that time, I had a headache. I didn't know what to say to comfort her. Even if my mouth was full of lotus, I couldn't add any sense of security to her through words.
until one day, my friend Lao Yan told me, "Don't always think about what to say, do it."
this sentence went through my brain like a bolt of lightning, and the next day I immediately bought a ticket and went straight to my girlfriend's school.
she said that the moment she saw me, all her troubles were gone.
when people around us complain to us, the first thing we think of is often comfort.
when others complain to us about his sufferings, the greatest purpose is to confide in them, but even if we know how to say what the other person wants to hear, he will only feel a little better, and his sufferings still haunt him.
for example, when he lost his wallet in the summer, no matter how much we men comforted him, the money he lost would not come back.
the most correct thing to do at this time is not to say: alas, it hurts so much, but to wave a big hand and say, "Let's go, let the chief editor treat us to dinner."
when someone confides in you, don't think about what to say, but think about what concrete action can make the other person feel better.
of course, there are times when we rack our brains and there is nothing we can do, when we can only comfort others by saying.
speaking is an art, and comfort is the most excruciating part of this art. When comforting others, you should keep in mind that you are not the protagonist, but the one who confides in you.
you should keep yourself small, don't dominate the whole conversation, don't use words like "you should", "you can" and "actually", use more questions.
for example, when a girl complains about her dormitory relationship, she can ask, "what did she do?"Don't anyone ever talk about her?" "how did you put up with it today?" .
one of the biggest advantages of using questions is that the right to speak always rests with the plaintiff.
when she has answered all your questions, she has already made a full range of complaints, and her emotions have been vented perfectly.
secondly, you should know how to change the subject appropriately.
when a person expresses his resentment too much, he tends to let himself down.Enter another kind of anger, and the more you talk, the angrier you get.
at this point, try to bring the topic to the other person's point of interest, such as food, such as beauty.
if a problem leaves us at a loss, don't dwell on the topic. Chatting on a different topic can make her unwittingly ignore the pain caused by the trouble, and that's why the other person comes to you to talk to you.
We always care about comforting this thing, because it belongs to only two people and represents the emotional intimacy between you and me. We will not seek comfort from passers-by in a hurry. We can only give each other the comfort we want.
so we are always careful in comforting this matter, lest we should betray other people's trust in us and the feelings between you and me.
comfort requires skill and study, but unfortunately no one has come to teach us how to comfort others and how to live up to this friendship.
I hope this article will let you know how to maintain each other's relationship and give each other the emotional needs they really want.