What if the other party doesn't play the cards according to the routine?

What if the other party doesn't play the cards according to the routine?
Good night.

Dear disorganized:


this year, I went abroad to exchange for one year. I am a junior and have been a single dog for 20 years.

in the school exchange program, one of the people who went out with him met someone who was attracted to him.

for the first time in my life, I took the initiative to pay for others. If I was not feeling well, I rushed to see her (the school dormitory was close).

it felt wonderful.

I was just trying it out, but I was asked out to travel, eat, shop, watch a play and sleep.

well, it's the kind of person who lies in bed with clothes on.

but she has a male friend, and I can't tell whether she is playing or the bottom line is low.

I confessed recently, but the relationship doesn't seem to have changed, it's still the same.

it feels like I'm doing it. It's hard to give up this rare experience.

now I am very confused. I don't know what to do when I meet someone who plays cards according to the routine for the first time.

should we continue to maintain this chaotic relationship or stretch out the distance?

I also hope to give you some advice.

@ Wang Zepeng

I like this distance

readers who are exchange students in a foreign country:

my point of view is very simple, continue to maintain this relationship.

you said in your letter: "go shopping, eat, travel, and even sleep together in clothes." And then she said she had a boyfriend, and to be honest, I don't understand the conflict between the two.

I also often accompany other girls to go shopping, have dinner and watch movies. Does that mean anything? Just because couples do these things doesn't mean they are all lovers.

you use words like chaos to describe this relationship, but is the relationship really chaotic? no, it's clear, it's hideously clear. This is the relationship between a girl and a male best friend.

you feel chaotic just because you are moved.

even if you think the other person is still a little attracted to you, I'll tell you, don't be silly, do you want to sleep together to prove that the other person likes you? You know yourself that you are wearing clothes, and if you sleep without clothes, this relationship is called chaos.

you say that you have been single for more than 20 years and are willing to take the initiative to pay for someone for the first time, so I want to say congratulations. You are lucky to have finally found someone you like after such a long time.

luckily, you still have a chance to be with the person you like.

so in my opinion, it is also a lucky thing to maintain this relationship.

those who keep you away are all jealousy that you can't get, and then kidnap you with morality. But you didn't hold hands, you didn't kiss, you didn't have sex, after all, you're just close friends.

of course, you may really like her, so you confess your love, and the other person still has the same relationship after rejecting you.

in this situation, what you want to ask is not so much staying or alienating as you really want to ask, "do I want to go one step further? do I want to continue to pursue this girl?"

my advice is simple: don't cross the line in what kind of relationship, what kind of things to do.

if you want to sleep naked with her, please confirm the relationship by expressing your love, so that you are either rejected or successfully cheated on the girl.

but again, you have to think about one thing, can the other person bear the outsider's view of infidelity? Can you? Will you be happy?

this is a price. You may part ways with her, or you may have to bear the pressure after having an affair. Can you bear the consequences?

if I were you, I would like this distance very much, but I may not take another step forward or let myself get too deep.

because I know I am fragile and timid, I can't bear the consequences.

@ Zhang thorn

although it is very sweet, let's separate

readers who are exchange students in a foreign country:

to tell you the truth, after reading what Zepeng said, I almost agreed with him.

but when you think about it, Zepeng's suggestion is impossible, because he ignores the most important point, that is, at this moment, you and that girl are exchange students abroad.

what does this mean? With no relatives and customs, even if there are several local friends, they will inevitably become "unaccustomed" because of "habits" at home and abroad. This is also the reason why several of my high school classmates who went to foreign countries to study abroad mostly posted Asian faces in their circle of friends.

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and you haven't been in love in 20 years, and it's inevitable that you can't stand it when you meet someone you like for the first time. While girls are out alone, they don't talk about "emptiness and loneliness", but they always want to have an admirer who can share their joys and sorrows.

so you volunteered, and the girl happened to think, "I'm just making a friend, why not?" and finally they played a game of "tacit understanding".

but you may know better than me that without the "bonus" of distance and jet lag, you won't have a chance to take advantage of it. Otherwise, you wouldn't have told us: "I confessed recently, but it seems that the relationship has not changed, it is still the same."

because it shows that the girl neither refused nor agreed to you, in other words: you are not worth her cheating, nor is it worth her to give up her domestic boyfriend.

I wonder if you have ever heard of Hush! In the third person, there is a lyric that goes like this: happiness is a little bit, of course, but loneliness is stronger.

I guess you should be able to empathize, otherwise you wouldn't have turned your story into a problem and wrote to us. Because ofFor such an unequal relationship, such as deteriorated yogurt, it must be sweet at first taste, but if you really taste it carefully, you should be able to taste a little rotten and uneasy.

so my advice is to give up the relationship.

the reason is simple: your first love should not be such an abnormal relationship.

even if you take off your clothes that day, can you tell whether it is love or loneliness?

and what is even more frightening is that the intimate relationship is supposed to be based on "mutual trust", while your "intimate relationship" is based on the opposite basis. your relationship survives because of "concealment" from each other. Suppose she ends up with you, ask yourself now, can you still trust her unconditionally?

Love should not be like this, it should be tolerance, trust, two people put themselves in each other's shoes, not a game to relieve loneliness, let alone possession.

so give up. Even if it makes you miss out on a girl you like very much, it at least gives you the courage to trust your loved ones for the next 20 years.

good night, good luck, and thank you for your letter.

Hello, everyone. I am the thorn. Today's article is a disorganized new column: the second issue of "come and ask".

so if you also have troubles that you can't solve and need to discuss with chaos, you might as well send your question to our mailbox. If we are lucky enough, we will answer you.