I'm so good, I can't fall in love.
It's so cold, let me tell you a joke.
in the early hours of this morning, I sent such a sentence in moments, "talk, split up." When my friends saw it, they all came to care about me. "Why did they split up?" Oh no, when did you talk about it? " They asked me because these four words have too much information.
well, I broke up, but no one knows I'm in love yet. I am not very sad, or I will not act very sad, because I am a very powerful person, strong people do not need to have any emotions.
I went to see "Donkey gets Water" the other day. I watched it with my ex-boyfriend and sat in the last corner of the cinema. When I couldn't sleep, I would buy that place to sleep and sleep better. This is a story that took place in 1942, telling the story of a group of teachers in a remote rural primary school. Among them is a female teacher named Zhang Yiman.
Zhang Yiman is a cheap-mouthed, considered "dissolute" character, a blacksmith who flirts with a male teacher and does not know how to fall in love. It seems that anyone can like a woman, so in the eyes of outsiders, her feelings are very "cheap."
the first time Zhang Yiman changed his view, it was such a scene that Zhang Yiman sat in the quiet countryside in the afternoon, breaking garlic skin, and the male teacher who liked him walked up to her and said to her, to the effect that Zhang Yiman, I like you, it doesn't matter that the whole world misunderstands you, and it doesn't matter if the whole world scolds you. I know you are not such a person.
Zhang Yiman froze for a few seconds, smiled, and sprinkled the garlic skin into the sky as a snowflake.
I was moved by what the male teacher said, and I was also moved by Zhang Yiman to meet someone who knew him. Maybe I was moved because I saw my shadow in Zhang Yiman. Or, the person next to me, he once said such a thing to me, I was moved.
but forty minutes later, I changed my mind.
A male teacher with frustrated self-esteem, for money, encouraged outsiders to bully Zhang Yiman and call her a slut and a bitch. they slapped her in the face, destroyed her most cherished long curls, and even almost raped her, and finally drove her crazy.
I clearly remember the look on the male teacher's face when he pointed at her and scolded the bitch, which reminded me of him who said, "I like you, I know you are not like that." It turns out that those sincere and good-sounding love can be so cheap, and those who hide the deepest feelings tend to be calm as if nothing had happened.
at that moment, I felt as if no matter how many people around me and how close we were, I was always alone.
then I broke up. I suspect that the reality is very funny. On the night of watching the movie, I accidentally found another "understand" person in the other party's phone. I don't even know who comes first, who arrives later, and who is the third party.
I wish I wouldn't be so smart. I never look at other people's phones, and I'm not interested in knowing my password more or less. But the ghost hit the wall that day, and the other person was not here. I happened to use my mobile Wechat. I just guessed the password once. I happened to see the message she sent.
I hurried off the page, dared not watch any more, went on acting and pretended that nothing had happened. I went to the bathroom, boiled the water to the maximum, sat in the corner of the bathroom, huddled together, and somehow, my eyes told me it was sad, but I couldn't cry at all.
I suddenly remembered Zheng Rong's "extraordinary Life", "is this my extraordinary life? Ling Chi's love again and again is worse than death."
seems to instantly understand that the reason why we have been sneaking around and no one knows is not because we all keep a low profile and do not like to express.
he told me, I like you very much, when I know you, I really think so.
I really thought you liked me. When I came out of the movie and walked along the road with my eyes closed in the early hours of the morning, you ran in front of me, I bumped into your arms, and when you hugged me tightly, I thought you really liked me;
you said you never took the initiative to find anyone, but you couldn't help but want to care about me when you saw my picture gray. You said you always thought eel whales were gray, but now when you think your girlfriend is pink, I think you really like me.
late at night when I am hungry, when you bring the cooked noodles to me, I wash my hair, when you blow-dry my hair, when you almost have an accident on the emergency brakes, when you protect me first, I think you really like me.
before I noticed you, I silently peeped at my high school Weibo and NetEase cloud song list. You found out my past, the town where I grew up, the middle school I attended, the trips I went to, and the songs you listened to. When I share the songs I have heard most recently in moments every day, when they attract my attention, I think you really like me.
there was a moment when I felt that my mother had been in love with so many ups and downs all the way through my life, and finally there was one who really happened to show up and liked me more than I liked him. I was so moved that I even said to my friend, "he is different from others. He never keeps me waiting."
now I find that your love, like multiple parallel lines, can be carried out barrier-free at the same time, so cheap. But you know, people like me can't peek at other people's phones, and people like me can't be too embarrassed to break up, so I didn't expose anything, and I said, "forget it, I don't like you, finish talking and go to sleep."
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for someone as powerful as me, lovelorn should be straightforward, handsome, not sloppy, and do not cause trouble to others.
on that day, I almost fainted to death in the dormitory. I was found by Jiaxin and sent to the hospital. When she came back from the hospital in the evening, she sat with me in the sunken square. The last time we chatted there, she was lovelorn. She was also broken up because her boyfriend, who once said he loved her very much and treated her well, told her that he had been with her all the time just because she was nice.
sheCrying, I can't tell the difference at all. It turns out that his kindness to me is true or false. It's terrible. She told me that the eel whale is fine. Just because you've been through so many bad things doesn't mean your life is bad. Maybe God wants your life to be more fun.
Jiaxin is really not comforting. I didn't listen to a word of chicken soup she gave me, but I remembered a word she said for a long time. She said that for people as powerful as us, it is not sad to be lovelorn.
she said she wanted to drink with me. I said forget it. I want to go back to bed. I love my body more and more. I'm not very good to myself when I'm with you. You can't sleep. I stay up until four o'clock every day. Even if I fall asleep, I will wake up in the middle of the night, because I'm afraid you won't find yourself.
when you don't eat, I don't eat either. I eat cold food together, and finally I faint with gastritis and go to hospital. Because I want to stay by your side, the date of going home has been put off again and again. In those seven days in Dali, I listened to the song you shared with me 86 times online with the exorbitantly expensive national traffic.
I'm doing self-waste that has nothing to do with you.
some readers have asked me how to face "loss" more calmly.
A person may have several forms of emotional expression about loss, one is to kiss, cry, and externally set up a leak.
another advantage is the big contrast. You will suddenly feel energetic, happy, and more productive. It looks like love and incompetence, but it is actually transferred from the psychological outlet.
I am the latter. I used to be a procrastinator. I wrote two articles recently. I, who used to be very aloof and cold, have recently lowered my laughing point.
I used to be dependent on others and sensitive and thoughtful. Now I am comfortable, free and forgetful. I used to lose sleep until 04:00. I recently went to bed at 12:00 and woke up at 8 o'clock. I was too healthy to be like me at all.
because I have proved once again that no one loves us more than ourselves. You see, now that I am so good, why should I fall in love?
it's November 11 again, just in time. Happy Singles Day.
finally. Remember one night on the train asked for a topic, when are you sure the other person doesn't like you? I didn't have an answer at that time, but now I probably understand. The deputy push is for you, and I collected it back, about the moment of "dislike".