I broke up with a star friend.
I broke up with May during the summer vacation, and this decision has been brewing for a long time.
on the second day of the summer vacation, May knew I was on holiday and asked me out to dinner, but I really didn't want to go. I found an excuse to spend time with my family or work, which was refuted by May's enthusiasm. "I'd like to introduce you to my college classmates." and "I'm going to travel abroad soon, and then I don't have time."
in fact, May and I used to be best friends of the kind "the best in the universe". We changed shoes with two colors, and it didn't matter for the two of us to have one with Fried rice noodles in the canteen.
after graduation, we naturally went to different high schools. According to the general script, May and I were supposed to be less and less connected, but May was very strange that she began to want to participate in my life more.
she will write me a paragraph when I haven't contacted her for a long time, telling me that she is afraid that I will lose our friendship halfway; when I share some of the current situation of my life and interesting new friends, she begins to show indifference and indifference, and then asks me out frequently during the holidays.
at first I thought she cared so much because she wanted our friendship to continue, but every time we met during the summer vacation, she was silent, and I couldn't even guess if she was angry or unwell.
I have always been afraid of silence, so I have to tell the interesting things that have happened recently in an attempt to liven up the atmosphere. When I finished talking about what lipstick dorm I recommended and what disputes between girls and other topics, I found that the whole afternoon was almost over, while May only said a few words "then" and "how are you?" I couldn't stand the embarrassment. I once went to the bathroom to play with my cell phone for half an hour before I came out.
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but even so, she asks me out every once in a while.
to be honest, every time I want to tell her directly, "I don't want to go. I don't like being with you."
whenever I want to say this, I don't know myself. I'm obviously a recognized friend, but I always want to run away.
what is even more confusing about yourself is that when you are obviously a recognized friend, you always feel sorry to see that the other person has paid a lot for you, and ask yourself to be nice to her as compensation.
one night, May's boyfriend came to me and told me, "May actually asks me for advice every time she asks you out, because she feels your reluctance." But I can't bear to keep her from looking for you, because when she went to high school and college, she didn't have any particularly close friends, especially friends like you, so basically there was only you and me in her circle. "
so one time after that, sitting at Starbucks looking for topics, I realized that we didn't meet because of how many new stories we had to share and how many new stories we shared. Because after the high school and university, May did not join any clubs, nor did she come into contact with any new circles. Except for dating, her character and worries almost stayed a few years ago.
maybe it is because she is reluctant to leave her former intimacy and is afraid that "the stranger in the coming year will be yesterday's dearest so-and-so", so she knows full well that embarrassment and silence will appear, so she has to keep asking me out to accompany her. It can also be said that I saw May's possessiveness in friendship for the first time.
I was so soft-hearted that I almost wanted to say yes to May's boyfriend, but in the twinkling of an eye, this possessiveness was terrible.
when May and I were classmates, we changed positions once, and Apple became my deskmate. She is a short and lovely girl. Out of protection and love for her, Apple and I had a good time during that time. I would ask her to eat in the bathroom, and sometimes I would bring her a bottle of yogurt when I went to the snack bar to buy yogurt.
one day Apple and I were walking on the road, ready to go to a music teacher's class. A May came face to face. I waved "May, let's go to class together." she didn't seem to hear me, her expression was stiff, and she deliberately refused to look at us until she approached us and said, "you two are having such a good time, you two go."
A May wrote a note to me during the evening study, saying, "you are a friend of top1 in my heart, but I am in your heart, maybe not even top5."
maybe I didn't understand it at that time. I felt very guilty when I saw this note. I really felt that I had "betrayed" my best friend. I did something wrong, and I couldn't have another "new lover".
so the next day, I began to distance myself from Apple. Although I really wanted to play with her and go to the English corner after school with her, I deliberately turned my eyes away, pretended to pack my schoolbag and said, "go ahead. I have something to wait for May."
I remember that at the end of that day, when I was waiting for the bus at the school gate after school, I saw Apple sitting on the bench we used to sit on. I didn't go over there or even call her behind her back. If I felt guilty about betraying my original good friend at that time, I felt more distressed about Apple that day.
because no one wants to be left behind for no reason, I think that grievance is like being deleted by a star friend, and I don't know what I've done wrong.
A few years later, when I watched the Little Prince, the fox said, "to me, you are just a little boy, just like thousands of other little boys." I don't need you, and you don't need me. To you, I am just a fox, no different from thousands of other foxes. But if you tame me, we'll need each other. To me, you are unique in my world; to you, I am the only one in your world. "
this passageIt reminds me that sometimes a friend is a selfish person, because he will domesticate you under the banner of friendship and make you "unique" in someone's world, not out of sincere friendship, but out of the desire for possession. That's why it gives people the wrong sense of betrayal and makes people want to escape.
it's good for me to realize that it's not ruthless, it's not that I don't have to ask myself to "waste time with important people" in the name of friendship.
I think that if you use possessiveness to ask the other person to pay as much time and heart as you do, love becomes pressure and friendship becomes a burden. If you really like someone, you should not restrict him or ask him to be unique to you.
now, many years later, when I write this article, I have a deeper apology to Apple. Maybe today she doesn't know why I suddenly turned my head coldly that evening after school, and I don't know why I would rather take one more flight of stairs to avoid her. And I don't know if she was sad when we continued to be deskmates after I alienated her at that time.
I once felt guilty about my "betrayal" in order to satisfy May's possessiveness, and then felt sorry for Apple in order to face the friendship of being possessed and domesticated again. In the final analysis, I failed to achieve perfection in both friendships.
but if it were me, I would remember what Benjamin Barton said, "We are destined to lose our loved ones. How else would we know how important they are in our lives?" I think such a person is worth looking for. After going through those sufferings, we find that we have already enjoyed so much happiness. "
the last time I saw May was on the fifteenth day of the summer vacation. When I put on my shoes and got ready to go out, I said to myself, "it's the last time". It was obviously the weather after Greater Heat, but I felt very refreshed.