I don't want to hang out, so stay with me tonight.
I held an event and only three people came.
two days ago, some readers left a message in the background, "recently your negative energy is getting heavier and heavier. I am very disappointed with you."
after I saw this backstage, I was afraid to write for a week. I was afraid to bring negative emotions to my readers. So I forced myself to write happy things, but I couldn't write well.
I remember that at the night chat meeting of "Sleeping together", someone said, "I don't like to be with people with negative energy. I don't understand why they always like to bring their emotions to others." then two or three people echoed and said, Yeah, I don't want to be friends with this kind of person.
at that time, I wanted someone to refute this view, but I didn't. I bowed my head, pinched my hand, and secretly made a decision, "well, you can't bring negative energy to others anymore."
since then, I don't talk to others about my unhappiness. Before I go out, I always run to the mirror, barely prop up the corners of my mouth and tell myself that you have to be professional. Work should be professional, life should be professional, don't be a nuisance.
then, I succeeded in becoming a "dumb" and "unaccompanied" person.
every time someone asks me if I'm doing well. I said, good. Because I know that even if it is not good, they will only say to me, "Don't be unhappy". They don't seem to know what "companionship" is.
I went to sing with a group of friends a few days ago. They said they wanted to accompany me, who was not very happy recently, but when I stayed in the box, I watched them laughing happily and chatting about my current situation. I was silent in the crowd. I suddenly didn't know whether I was accompanied or someone else.
then I got a call from my dad, and in the hallway, he asked me, what are you doing? I suddenly felt very moved and told him a lot of unimportant things, what I ate today, what I did recently, and when I went to Dali, which seemed unimportant, but he listened attentively.
then he called me again, "I checked the weather forecast. Dali seems to be getting colder recently."
I huddled in the most corner of the corridor, and I said, "Why don't you go home when you get back?" He said, "I'll be bored when you come back." he said it with a smile. I think he's been waiting for a long time.
when I needed company, you happened to find me, which was a great emotion.
I remember staying in school and working during the summer vacation, running around every day, laughing at people until my facial muscles were numb. In the evening, I went back to my one-person dormitory and called a taxi. I sat in the back seat, leaning against the window and wearing headphones, watching a street lamp pass by me. I felt as if the world didn't need me anywhere but work.
I like hitchhiking and hope it never stops, because at least on the bus, I have a destination. There is always a stop sign ahead, telling me that I am still a few kilometers away from where I am going.
when I got off the bus that day, I took off my headphones and said "Thank you" to my master. The master told me, "Little girl, go and eat something hot. It will get warm. Get out of the car and watch the road. Be careful."
I smiled and said to him, OK.
that was the first "real smile" of my day, the first time I was really "talking", and the first time I really felt "companionship".
I don't know when to start, a phone call seems to be very expensive, a meal seems to waste a lot of time, give a hug, listen to others, a Wechat reply seems rarely outrageous.
Last Saturday night, I took ten minutes to make a decision to launch a campaign in the tweet comment area, the "Chamber of Secrets breakup Farewell." I prepared until 04:00 in the morning that night, and invited seven people on the application form.
the next day I prepared light bulbs, lit candles, prepared beer and food in the room of the student tour of Haus International Hostel in Dongguan. It was the happiest day for me these days, and I seriously prepared a surprise for everyone.
I didn't expect that in the afternoon before the opening, I received messages from four people saying, "I thought about it for a moment, but decided not to go."
at that moment, it suddenly seemed like a deflated balloon, lying on the youth brigade's table. I blew out the red aromatherapy candle. "Why is it always like this?"
think of a friend of mine. Every time I ask him out, he tells me, "Hello." Every time I see friends, I feel a strong sense of ritual. I will put on makeup and pick out clothes one hour earlier. But when it took me an hour to prepare, I always had a feeling that the other person would not come at all. So every time I always get a phone call saying that I'm busy and I can't come.
lulu asked me, Wow, how can you be so calm? I said, "it's nothing. I'm used to it." when they're done, they'll be with me. "
but it seems that I will never finish my work.
so after being released from the plane that day, Alai asked me, will you continue to do it? I suddenly cheered up, I said, do it, why not? There are still three people coming specially in hope!
he said, OK, I'll stay with you.
that night, three strange readers arrived as promised. Alai came back from Guangzhou. Yuanxia ended the band's farewell performance on rock night, and came here without time to say goodbye and sadness.
We watched a rock concert together, went for a walk for a midnight snack, and finally went back to the room, surrounded by the candlelight I had prepared, put down my phone, drank beer, held pillows, and talked about things that no one usually cared about.
forgot the time, forgot the cell phone I thought I couldn't get away from, forgot that the other person was a stranger, and didn't go to bed until 05:30 in the morning.
We have cried, laughed loudly, cursed, and no one is hiding it. Everyone is listening and talking carefully. Yuanxia said at that time, "in fact, I seldom tell people these things. I don't quite."Will say. " I said to him, "it doesn't matter, you used to listen to others, but today we hear from you."
after that night, we changed from strangers, strangers, or strangers to friends. I just know that there are still many people in this world, forgotten by others, and so many people who are not accompanied.
cc shared the story of how he confessed his love to the three male gods with his mother's milk. The code name R said that he had no story and had never been lovelorn, and finally admitted that he had a crush on him for a long time.
Cat, who is about to graduate, spent three years talking about a love affair in college, but finally lost to reality. A Lai let down his guard and admitted that he had been numbing himself with his work since he was lovelorn. The distant summer, which can not be expressed, also talked about the most persistent girls who have been avoided.
after that night, I suddenly understood what companionship is, and that it is not shameful to ask for company from others.
I asked myself why we always mind showing our unhappy side to others, why we always pretend to be strong, pretend to be happy, and force ourselves to be depressed. Why should we focus on so much self-esteem? who goes to whom first? why are we always so busy waiting for the next time?
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I began to learn that when I really can't solve some emotions, tell someone I can really trust, stay with me.
recently listen to May Day "hug" again, there is a paragraph in it, let me taste this taste, do not understand the chaos of the world, hide my tiredness and express my embarrassment.
I understand "companionship" is that when you say you are tired, I want to sneak into your room, I want to try to hug you, try to chat with you, try to get off work, lie on your couch, try to make a pot of tea, dim the lights, turn on the candlelight.
try to accompany you to do something that doesn't seem meaningful. Try to let you know that in this world, besides work, you also have me, trying to be needed by you as much as I need you.
so even though I am not very happy, I wrote this article and suddenly stopped forcing myself to pretend and write something positive, because I know that you are the companionship I want, and I want to be honest with you.
Today's song is at the end of the article because it is a hug sung in the summer. He handed in a draft today, and the last sentence was as follows: "but don't worry too much. I know you've been waiting for me, so I must cheer up and maybe secretly sing you a song."
if you like this song, you might as well click on today's retweet and see what Yuanxia said. Good night.
"I don't want to hang out, so please stay with me tonight."